


Effective Human Copulation: A Study

by Supreme_Leader_Snoke



Series: Scientific Reports [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Abuse of Romantic Cliches, Developing Relationship, M/M, Scientific Research Paper, Snoke Does Not Understand Human Biology, Snoke Ships It, Tumblr: kyluxhardkinks, Wingman Phasma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-28 01:40:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10821051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Supreme_Leader_Snoke/pseuds/Supreme_Leader_Snoke
Summary: An observational study of human mating rituals and how to influence them. Test subjects: Kylo Ren and General Hux.





	Effective Human Copulation: A Study

**ABSTRACT**  


The objective of this experiment was the creation of Force sensitive offspring using the gametes of my apprentice Kylo Ren and General Hux of the First Order. This was to be achieved through the instigation of a pair bond to ensure a copulatory relationship. This was successful and despite no current hints at zygote implantation, the benefits of this pair bond are greater than initially presumed. As such this experiment has been deemed successful.

  


**INTRODUCTION**  


After almost losing an extremely valuable asset during the Starkiller incident I have deemed it prudent to ensure the proliferation of Force sensitives. Whilst cloning has its advantages I am inclined to prefer selective breeding in order to ensure a stronger specimen.  


My apprentice Kylo Ren, while Force sensitive, does have some undesirable traits which I believe may be bred out in his progeny through cross-breeding with another human. As such I have selected General Hux to be his mate. I believe that successful recombination will result in a brood of Force-talented offspring with the same ambition and drive as the General, they will serve me well.  


This experiment seeks to instigate a pair bond between Kylo Ren and General Hux in the hopes that they will provide me with a litter of Force-sensitive younglings to assist in my conquest of the galaxy.

  


**MATERIALS AND METHODS**  


**Subject 1:** Kylo Ren is an incompletely trained Force sensitive human of above average height and relatively superior strength. Research indicates he has no previous offspring and is currently unmated. He possesses the phenotype for dark fur of considerable shine and volume. Kylo Ren also bears a facial scar which numerous human holos seem to indicate is a sign of reproductive desirability.  


**Subject 2:** General Hux is a human of similar height but a much smaller frame which is often concealed by artificial means. Details of his matings are limited to unverifiable scrawls on the walls of the stormtrooper barracks. Superior posture and gait to that of Kylo Ren. His plumage is of a unique and quite interesting colour which will hopefully be passed on to his offspring although this is merely an aesthetic desire.

This experiment shall consist of three phases as follows:  


    Phase 1: Initiating the Pair Bond - I shall create optimum conditions for human mating (as put forth in holos such as _Love in Alderaan Places, Sith Me Quick_ and _Live, Love, Life Day_ ) and manipulate the environmental factors around General Hux and Kylo Ren in the hopes to create a pair bond between them.  


    Phase 2: Induction of Mating Behaviour - Should breeding seem imminent I shall provide nesting materials and additional resources (candles, soft music, deceased flora etc.).  


    

    Phase 3: Ensuring Continued Copulation - After mating has been confirmed I shall monitor the subjects and ensure that they continue to be in peak reproductive health. Once it has been confirmed that Kylo Ren is with young I shall make preparations to have the offspring transported to the Citadel for training.

    

    
  
As the number of Force-sensitive individuals in the Galaxy is small then unfortunately there will be no control sample. However I am confident that many humans will continue to breed without my intervention.  


  


**OBSERVATIONS AND RESULTS**   


Phase 1: Initiating the Pair Bond  


    _i)_ When meeting with the General I made sure to enquire after his reproductive health and current mating prospects. While he seemed puzzled, he did ensure me that, “My uh- _mating_ prospects have no bearing on my work for the Order.” I believe he will be pleased with my current plans.  


    _ii)_ As I am unable to physically assess the experiment from the Citadel I have deemed it prudent to appoint someone the holos typically refer to as “the BFF” (Biological Fraternisation Facilitator). I am to understand that this person will assist in my efforts to instigate a pair bond between the chosen subjects. After considerable deliberation I have decided that Captain Phasma will be my BFF.  


    

    _iii)_ Captain Phasma has agreed to BFF status. She seemed most enthusiastic about her tasks, she will be my eyes and ears on the _Finalizer_ and has assured me that she will use any opportunity to “Give them both the relationship they deserve.” I have given her strict instructions to ensure that both subjects spend an appropriate amount of time together in order to bond.  


    

    _iv)_ Captain Phasma has placed both subjects in quarantine. I believe this to be a sound tactic and have ordered the technicians on board to run a simulation of a freak snow storm. Research indicates that this is a suitable environment for human bonding.  


    

    _v)_ Quarantine plan is a failure, however subjects displayed teamwork in their escape. Kylo Ren has also managed to destroy several holoprojectors, I can only hope that this display of fortitude has inflamed General Hux’s ardour.  


    

    _vi)_ It seems my BFF’s actions have angered both subjects, as such I have ordered them to undertake supply negotiations on the planet of Kaddak. Only one lodging and a single bed have been organised. I understand that this is also an optimum opportunity to induce human mating.  


    

    _vii)_ While initially the Kaddak plan was deemed a failure, BFF Phasma has indicated that “ _Something_ definitely happened, things have been weird with them.” When asked to define ‘weird’ Phasma did not have an adequate answer. Further reading on the term led to the archaic human definition ‘connected with fate’. This seems to indicate a positive outcome.  


    

    _viii)_ I have procured a piece of Sith holocron, which has been sent to Kylo Ren under General Hux’s name. I understand that gifts are often useful in signifying intention to mate.  


    

    _ix)_ Under advisement from BFF Phasma, General Hux has been sent ‘edible panties’ in return. I presume this is a rare human delicacy.  


    

    _x)_ The experiment may have hit a slight snag. Kylo Ren is under the impression that another officer was responsible for the ‘panties’. He has been extremely aggressive towards Lieutenant Mitaka in particular. More so than usual at least.  


    

    _xi)_ After lengthy consultation with BFF Phasma I have been led to believe that the ‘panties’ misunderstanding may have been beneficial. She assures me that “a little jealousy might help them get a move on”. While I am no expert in human behaviour I do believe I can use this information to my advantage.  


    

    _xii)_ When meeting with General Hux I made sure to mention that Kylo Ren was currently ‘engaged in physical activities with Xiiro Ren’. As Xiiro Ren is Twi’lek and I am led to understand her species is apparently desirable, I believe this should trigger the desired jealousy response.  


    

    _xiii)_ Captain Phasma has informed me that General Hux has contracted a minor illness. I believe this was caused by his near constant pacing of the corridors between Kylo Ren and Xiiro Ren’s quarters. I have instructed Kylo Ren to take care of him. Interestingly, he did not protest. If things follow as they do in the holos then I suspect Hux will faint into Kylo Ren’s arms at some point within the next few days.  


    

    _xiv)_ As predicted, General Hux did indeed faint due to fatigue, however, instead of being caught and embraced by Kylo Ren it seems that the General fell down a flight of stairs and mildly injured Lieutenant Mitaka. I am now considering chemical methods of copulation initiation, there is a particular flower whose pollen has been noted as an extremely potent human aphrodisiac.  


    

    _xv_ ) Procurement of the plant has been cancelled. I received a late night holotext from BFF Phasma to the effect of “they’re dating!”. After responding with the requisite “OMG! XD <3 ;)” I have made plans to initiate Phase 2.

    

    
  


Phase 2: Induction of Mating Behaviour  


    _i)_ When meeting with the subjects I was sure to offer my congratulations on their new status as bondmates. Both were witnessed to experience excitation of the facial capillaries and a degradation of normal speech patterns which were reduced to monosyllabic noises. Kylo Ren was observed to return to his masked state when I remarked on my faith in the General’s ability to provide sufficient ejaculatory fluid. After consultation with my BFF I believe this may have been the wrong terminology.  


    _ii)_ Phasma informs me that human courtship varies considerably in length depending on the subjects involved. Given Kylo Ren’s impulsive nature, I do not expect much delay in copulation.  


    

    _iii)_ Securicam footage shows that the subjects are indeed spending more time around each other, however this is mainly in communal areas and not in darkened soft spaces which I am led to believe is the preferred nesting habitat for humans. As such I have furnished both subjects quarters with extra bedding as well as a number of candles.  


    

    _iv)_ New footage seems to indicate that the pair bond has strengthened. I have witnessed the human ritual of mutual osculation on **three (3)** separate occasions. While I am unsure of the exact role of labial interfacing in the human mating cycle, it seems to be an event of some importance.  


    

    _v)_ When meeting with the subjects I voiced my concern that unlike other bonded humans I have seen, these two do not seem to engage in acts of physical affection outside of mating purposes. The General then asked for clarification, "Supreme Leader, are you saying... you want us to... hold hands?". When informed that doing so would please me, the subjects complied. I am unsure of the reason for their reluctance.  


    

    _vi)_ I have endeavoured to create optimum mating spaces around the _Finalizer_. As such, several of the conference rooms now contain a multitude of blankets and soft furnishings as well as pleasant foliage.  


    

    _vii)_ It has become apparent that the Carnivorous Reeksa does not constitute pleasant foliage. Thankfully Captain Phasma was able to eject it from the airlock before too much damage was caused.  


    

    _viii)_ In an attempt to compensate for the Carnivorous Reeksa error all crew have been provided with food, drinks, music and dim lighting. BFF Phasma seemed surprised at my initiative, although she did state, “People do tend to hook up at parties. This was a good move.”  


    

    _ix_ ) Securicam footage following the _Finalizer_ party yields little insight. While many humans appeared to “hook up”, subjects were observed merely dancing together. Footage shows only a single instance of mouth to mouth contact, which I have since learned is generally a precursor to mating behaviour. I shall endeavour to create more scenarios that will facilitate ‘kissing’.  


    

    _x)_ After reviewing several of the most popular human holos ( _Love Literally, When Blixxl Met Zargdon, My Big Fat Scarif Wedding, Destiny Amidst the Stars_ ) I realise that the atmospheric conditions of the Finalizer are not conducive to what my BFF terms “gotta have you now” kisses. Therefore, I have programmed the sprinklers to activate at random intervals and provide a somewhat accurate representation of a torrential rainstorm. I hope this will encourage the test subjects.  


    

    _xi)_ After numerous complaints and outbreaks of the common cold, the simulated rainstorms have been halted. While they did result in several observations of crewmembers hauling each other into supply closets, subjects Kylo and Hux were not among them.  


    

    _xii)_ BFF Phasma has informed me of a rumour that Kylo Ren was spotted leaving General Hux’s quarters shortly before Aurek shift this morning. Examination of the security feed from the hallway confirms this to be true. While this may be an indicator that mating has occurred, I believe it wise to wait for confirmation. I shall send in Phasma with some wine on Hux’s next night off. She has proven herself adept at obtaining information in this manner.  


    

    _xiii)_ Success! Phasma has obtained verbal confirmation of carnal activities. When pressed for details however, she expressed displeasure and informed me, “I really didn’t want to know the full run down, so don’t expect me to ask Hux for a diagram or something.” She has however, performed admirably as BFF and as such, I have sent her a gift basket. I have also approved her request for ‘a good long holiday’ and am currently researching options for Phase 3.

    

    
  


Phase 3: Ensuring Continued Copulation  


    _i)_ When meeting with the subjects I was sure to commend them on successful mating, which seemed to shock them, I do not believe they are aware of my involvement in initiating their relationship. After turning an interesting shade of red, the General asked why I was taking such an interest. I informed him it was merely curiosity and advised him to make sure not to excite Kylo Ren too much at this delicate stage. Kylo Ren then made a choking noise beneath his mask and asked to be excused.  


    _ii)_ In order to make sure both subjects acquire sufficient nutrition for copulation I have enlisted the help of the security team. If either subject is spotted entering the quarters of the other then a catering droid will be deployed with aphrodisiacs such as rathtar spleen and blennobrach mucus.  


    

    _iii)_ The security team reports static interference on all holocameras and so have been unable to perform their duties. This is a minor setback. Captain Phasma will soon return, for which I am glad. These experiments always seem to work better when my BFF is involved.  


    

    _iv)_ Phasma’s return has been most welcome. She has brought a wealth of rumours and fresh information. According to her sources onboard, the subjects have been observed in a number of compromising positions in various parts of the ship. This is good news, although I must admit I am puzzled as the why Kylo Ren would feel the need to release his spores in the General’s mouth.  


    

    _v)_ Another meeting with the subjects. I see no evidence that Kylo Ren is with young and am starting to have slight concerns. I am to understand that fecund humans are liable to swelling as their brood polyps are held in the belly sac, however Kylo Ren shows no change in body mass or shape. I shall need to step in should things continue in this manner. Perhaps the solution is more candles?  


    

    _vi)_ I have provided the subjects with a shared living quarter on the condition that they use it to mate as frequently as they like. It is far more extravagant than any other nesting site I have created thus far and Kylo Ren seemed most enthused when I mentioned the hot tub. I believe this will be of high importance during incubation. Phasma is slightly displeased as she has been requesting a transfer to larger quarters for the last few cycles. I will make sure to accommodate her. She is my BFF after all.  


    

    _vii)_ When meeting with the subjects today they were observed to display slow, lethargic movements and increased physical closeness suggestive of a change of mental state. I have interpreted this as copulation "afterglow". I feel certain that their progeny will soon be forthcoming.  


    

    _viii)_ After undertaking some independent research on the holonet I have accumulated a list of potential materials that will ‘keep the spice in any relationship’. Once I have acquired them all I shall present the subjects with a gift basket.  


    

    _ix)_ Subjects were rendered speechless by my gifts, I believe the General was particularly enamoured by the selection of “lingerie”. Kylo Ren did question why they were provided with such things. I merely stated my concern that they have not yet conceived. This seemed to confuse Kylo Ren, who stated that, “You really don’t get it? We’re both- It’s not- We can’t.” I can only presume he means that they are unable to complete the mating ritual.  


    

    _x)_ In an effort to help with the lack of reproductive success I believe it necessary to evaluate the subject’s performance. When asked to demonstrate proper mating technique both subjects experienced elevated levels of body heat and excitation of facial capillaries. Both were extremely reluctant and the General was unable to evert his proboscis to its full optimum rigidity. I must conclude that mating only occurs within the nest materials provided.  


    

    _xi)_ After a great length of time within the cohabitation chamber the subjects requested a meeting. They stated that they will try their hardest to provide me with additional apprentices but it will take some time due to the high stress of their jobs. As such I have granted an additional fortnight of leave each cycle. I am extremely happy with their enthusiasm.  


    

    _xii)_ Captain Phasma reports that the subjects have been caught mid-coitus in a number of locations around the _Finalizer_. I must laud their enthusiasm and willingness to copulate outside the general human nesting environment. These truly are unique and adaptable specimens and while fertilisation has not yet been achieved I feel confident in their ability to do so.

    

    
  


**DISCUSSION**  


As human mating response varies in time, it is important to factor in the individual subject’s behaviour patterns in determining a timeline before copulation occurs. Given the tempestuous nature of the subjects relationship I feel I was misled in my assumptions of a quick advancement to the reproductive stage. Nevertheless, with the immeasurable help of my BFF a physical relationship was confirmed.  


I do believe that Phase 2 could have been accelerated through artificial means although Phasma seemed to disapprove of many of these. She claimed that “sex pollen” would be bad for the ship. I must also admit to my own failings as a botanist with regards to the carnivorous Reeksa. If it had consumed many of the crew then there would have been problems. Good subjects are so hard to find.  


At the time of writing all seems well between the subjects. They still have angry outbursts on occasion but Phasma ensures me that is a natural human behaviour, regardless of pair bonding. Although no viable offspring have yet been produced I am confident in the subjects ability and enthusiasm to do so. Given their behaviour towards one another, I feel this bond will be somewhat permanent.

  


**CONCLUSION**   


Despite the fact that Kylo Ren’s brood sac is not yet heavy with eggs I feel I have made important advancements in bringing the subjects to pair bonded status. Kylo Ren shows more control in his actions and on occasions when his temper overwhelms him, will retreat to the comfort of his mate rather than destroy inanimate objects. General Hux has shown a greater tolerance for subjects relating to the Force and will often allocate his troopers to assist Kylo Ren when undertaking more esoteric tasks.  


This has shown me that Force sensitive offspring, when they are forthcoming, should be easier to mold than initially surmised. It appears that the emotion of ‘affection’ has some bearing on behavioural changes. Clearly the solution will not be to remove them from their parents, but instead instigate a familial bond in order to build affection. (‘Uncle Snoke’ does have a nice ring to it.)  


In conclusion, the benefits of creating a pair bond have proved to be beneficial beyond expectations. Both subjects now work harder and are more relaxed in their off hours, and while the Force-sensitive offspring objective has not yet been fulfilled, the subjects are working hard and copulating regularly and as such, at present, I am satisfied.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Effective Human Copulation: A Perspective](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11227617) by [MoonwalkingCrab](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonwalkingCrab/pseuds/MoonwalkingCrab)




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